“You never feel well.”

“She never feels well.”

It’s defeating when somebody responds that way, because it’s true technically. Most of the time I really don’t feel well and that is abnormal. I get that and I agree. But it also simplifies it. It seems to apply a sense of simplicity that I could only hope to have. The reason I often don’t feel well is because it isn’t simple and doesn’t have a simple solution. It also implies a sense of judgment and lack of acceptance. And in a world where you already feel that, having somebody closer to your daily life not understanding makes things more isolating.

I don’t feel well. I do feel like I use that as an excuse to be lazy. All of those suspicions people have of others with mental health conditions, I have internalized those and sincerely believe them about myself. Which, when you feel like you are trash, makes you feel like trash and how can trash ever feel well?

I don’t think there is a solution for me. I hate being the one always complaining. Sure, there are so many things I should be thankful for and others have much, much less than me and have the same issues I have still. But those things that make me feel good, they don’t magically drain away all of the things that make me miserable. I’m not saying it’s not my fault. I’m not saying it’s not me.

I’m saying maybe it is me and that’s why there is no answer. But if this is my character and so deeply ingrained, it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t feel well and am stuck with myself. I just feel like I am constantly searching for relief or support that I cannot find. I feel very alone and maybe my efforts to remedy that have been minor but they’ve been efforts and ineffective. I don’t know how to be more effective without being another person. And if I could be another person, I would love to.

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