So I didn’t accomplish all of my contract items yesterday but I managed several. Consistency. That’s the enemy of depression. At least for me. I need to keep doing this and building confidence in the idea that I can be consistent and can trust myself when I make promises to myself. My whole life, empirical evidence has forced into my head that you can’t trust people, even those who are supposed to love you the hardest. And with low self-esteem, I always had high aspirations but didn’t trust myself or believe in myself. I feel like as an adult, when all protections are removed and you take a hard look at yourself, if you can’t trust yourself you don’t really have any sort of footing in your life. At least I don’t. I think I get blown around my life by every single, small gust of wind because I don’t feel rooted in the idea that if nothing else, I can depend on myself and I really want to change that.
That likely starts with addressing my kryptonite, having eyes wayyyy too big for my appetite. I set goals way too high too fast and then rain down on myself hard when I don’t meet them so tomorrow, here is my contract for myself.
I promise, promise, promise myself that I will wake up by 8 am and go to bed by midnight.
I promise I will go to therapy tomorrow (I managed to make an appointment today and find a counselor, finally).
I promise I will do two hours of schoolwork tomorrow. (8 would be fantastic but let’s not overshoot and then I can be pleasantly surprised instead of unsurprisingly disappointed).
I promise to go for a run.
Let’s see how this one goes.