Music is my favorite form of medicine. It’s what I do to process. When I’m not doing well, sometimes I need to just embrace the suck and let the storm run its course. Other times, I have to pull myself out of it. The problem is, there are two parts of me: what I like to think is the real me and the weakest and most vulnerable part of me. While I am both, when I get caught really deep in an episode, it feels like the latter part of me pushes the real me out, kind of like a reverse invasion of the body snatchers. The part of me I need in order to feel better, to know I’m more than crud, is just gone.
I thought recently about how I wish I could say certain things to say to myself that I believe when I’m not depressed. I parrot them but it doesn’t work because I know I don’t mean it in those moments. I sit in those episodes sometimes and get too comfy in that ball of shame, isolation, and immense disappointment in myself and everything I do. I will completely forget what it is like to believe in myself, to believe I have any future, or to believe I could possibly be worth anything other than simply eroding away. When I get better, it’s like this clear glass goes up: I remember how I felt and I can describe it but I can’t reach through the glass. I can’t feel or touch those parts of me. I thought if I don’t believe myself in those moments, maybe a playlist that says the things I know a more functional part of me wants to say to myself would help.
This playlist is just essentially the real me recorded as a reminder when I need evidence that I’m more than how I feel in that moment. It’s basically just me talking to myself, and a little bit of the depression talking back. Some of the songs I personally see in ways they weren’t intended to mean so some of it may not to quite fit but for some strange reason, it means enough to me to throw me a lifeline for a little bit longer. For example, some of the songs are about romantic relationships and clearly I’m not in love with myself. That seems like the opposite of depression. It is really clear in some cases and not at all in others but I thought if it helps somebody else, great. You might also want to consider making your own if you haven’t. Give it a listen.