I’ve said something like this to myself countless times this last year as I have tried to dig myself out of whatever is going on inside my brain. But this time, it’s time I think to take it seriously and to try. Granted, I always try to force myself. To white knuckle it through a depressive or panicked state. I don’t know what makes this one any different. It was daunting trying to come up with the words when I made a phone call today so when I made my next phone call, right before, I wrote a script of what I needed to say to the doctor because I took too long to connect my thoughts with my mouth. Guess how long it took me to to write that script. I’m too embarrassed to clock it at this point.
Tomorrow. I friggin promise promise promise myself, the actual me, not this walking piece of crud that is curled up in its place. But I digress. Tomorrow I promise I am going to do the following things come hell or high water and since I have felt like I’ve been in hell this past year, high water wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I promise I am going to find a therapist.
I promise I am going to work on this project of mine for two hours minimum without distractions.
I promise myself I am going to put on my shoes, tie them, and at least walk my dog down to the corner.
I promise I’m going to remember to eat. At least two full meals.
And I promise myself I am going to make another list tomorrow after completing this one.
I have no idea how to force myself out of this but putting it here is going to hold me accountable. I’m not even going to say I hope it does. It has to because I do not fucking know where to go from here if I don’t figure out how to be functional.